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MAY 2009
x Red Bull gives you f***king wings x "That is one amazing instrument he has there," says Queen guitarist Brian May x Good samaritan detained by police after offering helping hand x "It's a kind of escape for us, a chance to break away from the daily reality of prison"
says inmate x Because who knows more about sex than a celibate Polish pastor? x 'Sorry for ruining your career' x Fleet captain also expresses doubts that "fireproof panties are being provided to female flyers" x 'Me so tipsy' x Image of Spongebob Squarepants discovered on waffle iron x Proving yet again that ultimate frisbee is gay x Yokels in tank-tops get in free
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APRIL 2009
x Peasant skirt, incense vendors begin replenishing inventory x Shadowhare teams with Aclyptico, Wall Creeper, and Master Legend to form "Allegiance
of Heroes" x x Maverick, Goose suspended from active duty x The boy who cried AAAAAAHHHHHH! x "Police arrested her after reports from neighbors that she was flouting the ban with her husband
Steve" x Celebrities-slash-social-activists begin interview by sniffing each other's butts x All the fun of a drinking game minus the drinking and the fun x Officers among the 14,000 Scotland residents who identify themselves as Jedi x "Park officials say they want to detonate their prey before the animals start reproducing" x Both parties eyeing each other's trunks suspiciously x Turtle power! x In close quarters, flatulence is everybody's problem x And four asses x Under Saudi law, a man can divorce his wife by saying 'I divorce you' three times x Organized event violated Detroit's 'no smiling' ordinance x Actress 'retweets' suicidal woman's 'tweet', spurring 'twitterverse' into
action x Lingerie firm caters to "women seeking emancipation from the tightness of conventional underwear" x In a submarine with screen doors x Sweeps Best Facial Hair, Best Song Structure Consistency, and Best Power Chord categories
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MARCH 2009 x
Crumbs-in-my-pubes defense fails to sway judge x Why you..! x Hoax hooter heist hoodwinks Huntington x Taco, Falco confirmed as opening acts x "Technically, genital waxing has never been allowed in New Jersey" x More than all the American troops currently fighting in Afghanistan x President says something funny, apologizes x "The young naked man approached with his poodle, and she immediately realized something peculiar" x Mayer officially declared useless x Piledrivers, the great equalizers x Media helicopters "hovered over Dylan's property this week, capturing video of the offending toilet" x According to Federal Breast Inspectors x Today is the lamest day I've ever known x Where rocking is a sin x "This is an emergency" x Trendy L.A. residents exploit Web 2.0 fad to popularize food industry's least appetizing
descriptor x 'Who groped my cheese?!'
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FEBRUARY 2009 "Shooting on 'The Expendables' to begin in March" x 'Mike is face-down on the pavement in handcuffs' x Oh no it ditn't! x Jury reduces award amount after determining man was "35% responsible for being drunk" x Judge to determine who dealt it x Dog jewelry 'Did anyone else hear a clanging sound?' x Anonymous buyer rumored to be last person on earth to see Madonna naked x They do it all for the nookie, the nookie x 'Wait...what are we boycotting again?' x Shareholders to receive equal stake in new combined company, for a small convenience charge x "Malaria is spread by mosquitoes.
I brought some here. I'll let them roam around..." x
Undaunted by proposed $1M car insurance policy x Bounce around the abyss, y'all x Act now and receive a lifetime of prank
phone calls from drunken 80's nostalgists x Shocking confession calls 'guitar
nipple' into question x "High Life!"
x JANUARY 2009 x 'What shall we
do with the...grumpy pirate?' x Locals allege armed robber
transformed into goat to escape arrest after trying to steal Mazda 323 x Don't mess with my Thin Mints, girls x "One time only she will give up
her virginity to the highest bidder" x Nick Drake rolls over in grave x Worth about $30 in
U.S. currency x
Master's
degree course on flirting now offered to IT engineers in Germany x
Ninjas and
cholesterol: the silent killers x
Three words
you never want to hear in combination x
"With
great power comes great responsibility" x
Victims'
faces remain frozen in terror x
One way
or another, we're all getting screwed x
Golfers
reporting ear trauma after listening to wives bitch about time spent on the course x
'Se
spari, niente sesso' x
Carl gets
off his lazy ass and makes with the funny
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